How I Transformed from Wallpaper Girl into a Warrior

I encountered freedom my therapist couldn’t have brought me to when I started developing my voice and speech.

I had no idea I’d be releasing communication habits I had created to protect myself over 25 years—much of these ways of being were unconscious but put in place in response to my environment.

We all do this. 

We all sit, stand, and walk in ways related to what surrounds us. 

If we feel threatened in any way, we more than likely keep muscles tight so we can flee (or fight or freeze) more quickly.

If we feel comfortable and safe, we allow ourselves to take up more space.

I always sat tight on the edge of the sofa careful to not get in the way.

The voice responds differently. 

In my twelve years of professional communication coaching, I have found that those who grew up feeling threatened either kept their voices small and tucked back in the throat or they spoke loudly with no awareness of how their voice fills space. 

It’s hard for the latter group to modulate volume because their capacity to feel their voices has been diminished because of being hyper-aware of their surroundings.

It’s hard to notice inner space when you’re scanning space around you for threats.

I was in the former group. 

In the 1990s, I was a wallflower girl who never wanted to rock the boat at home or school.

I kept my voice small, my breath shallow in my chest, and only let my voice rise when I was fighting for a disadvantaged group, such as laboratory animals or cows in a feedlot.

I didn’t have the courage to fight for myself, so I became an angry teenager barking like a chained up dog for others.

Ask me about myself and what my needs were, and I retreated into a mouse.

I had no awareness I was doing any of this. I was simply being myself.

I grew up with sore throats, headaches, a tight jaw, and grinding my teeth at night.

I thought this is just how I was.

Fast forward to 2006 and I am attending a 4-week voice and speech intensive training as part of my doctoral studies in theatre.

I spent 40 hours a week humming and tapping consonants with my tongue against various surfaces in my mouth, exploring vocal resonance and strength without any strain, and playing with various vowels on different pitched with an open mouth. 

I had nowhere to hide.

I discovered that I could not feel consonants in my mouth with my mouse voice.

I had to open the back of my throat with a yawn-like sensation to let my voice move forward.

Once I felt my throat open, I felt my sounds vibrating against the bony surfaces of my hard palate and teeth as I spoke. 

I felt myself as I expressed myself and, in turn, felt my right to speak.

I hadn’t felt I had a right to speak before and never consciously knew this either.

I discovered my voice was the opposite of mousy, but strong and full of power with zero pushing or pain to bring it there.

When I explored the fullness of my voice in explorations of vocal tone, I felt mighty, confident, and unafraid of taking up space. 

I became a warrior as I chanted war speeches from Shakespeare. 

I had never felt so powerful in my life and, yet so fully myself.

I realized that all the soapbox screaming I had done for others was coming from a place of deep pain.

Conversely, I had screeched my voice by screaming through a tight throat to deplore animal testing and the meat industry. 

I didn’t know that the most powerful person in the room isn’t the one screaming, but the one who speaks with an empowered voice that inspires others to lean in to listen.

I discovered the most alarming truth about myself when I explored vowels by moving my mouth through a range of spaces and sizes.

I felt my heart thump through my throat when I bemoaned Ophelia’s brokenness in Hamlet.

I felt balanced emotionally when I communicated with my classmates through a range of vowels while also keeping my awareness on my tempo-rhythm and breath. 

I had always kept my breath tight in my chest, which made me speak very quickly.

If I regulated my breath, I regulated my speaking rate.

If I regulated my speaking rate, I took up more time and space in communication. 

This made me feel vulnerable because of my brain’s habit of keeping myself small to keep myself safe. Yet, I knew I was in a safe space, so I took the invitation to be myself. I realized I was not in any danger at all.

In fact,  I felt I had every right to be in the exchange with the other person. 

Wallpaper Girl peeled herself off the wall, found her flesh and bones, and showed up fully as herself.

After the 4-week intensive, I returned home to my doctoral program with less anxiety, more tools to battle depression, and an approach for advocating my research ideas to my professors without ever speaking from a place of pain or feeling small. 

Developing my voice and speech evened the playing field for me, energetically.

I came into my right to speak, my right to express my ideas, and realized the gifts I had to offer the world.

I returned to my therapist more willing to determine the root of what I needed in our sessions because I had gotten to the root of my insecurities, which had been tangled up and hiding in my communication style the whole time.

If you’re curious to  learn how you can become more freely and wholly yourself, give communication coaching a try. 

I offer  a no-judgement/only loving-kindness approach to understanding what you bring to the table so we can move beyond any limitations you have unknowingly stepped into over your life.

I promise this—you came in your current mode of expression to protect your highest good. You’re in a different place now and there’s a whole new world of possibilities ready for you.