How I Stopped Being Such a B*tch...and What I Learned from Being One

Hot Headed. Selfish. Judgmental.

I was all of those in my 20s going into my 30s.

I thought it was what it meant to be a “Type A personality,” an “achiever,” or an “East Coast businesswoman.”

Everyone told me how much I had my act together.

Right out of college, I was working, paying my own way, networking to build connections, and keeping up a social life.

• I was also drinking too much when I went out, hanging out with the wrong crowd, and completely devoid of any idea on how to be charitable or empathetic.

When I look back on how I was when I socialized with my friends in clubs and restaurants or when I chit-chatted with my coworkers….I was a b*tch and it pains me to say it.

• I was quick to snap a rude comment to a guy who looked at me that I didn’t want looking at me.

• I held a tight fist on my income and didn’t want to share any of what I had with others. I worked for it so it was mine.

• I was quick to pass judgement on a person based on how they were dressed or how they styled their hair and makeup.

When I look more deeply within, in truth, I was deeply insecure, sad, lonely, and felt lost on what my purpose in life was.

• Every time I sassed a rude opinion to a guy looking at me with any romantic interest in his eyes, I knocked his self-esteem down a notch in that moment. That was wrong and self-centered of me.

• Every time I hoarded my things, I denied myself the feeling of love for myself and others that I could have gotten if I had shared. That was utterly foolish of me.

• Every time I passed judgement onto another person, I upheld an impossible standard of perfection that I could never keep up myself. That was ridiculous of me.

I thought I was hot sh!t and, in truth, I was an utter fool.

I actually felt tired at the end of the day being such a b*tch to other people.

I felt tension in my throat and in my chest from holding onto negative feelings and thoughts.

I ate all the time to stuff my true feelings and felt sluggish, gassy, and gross day in and day out. Seriously— I didn’t stop snacking all day and didn’t feel actual hunger for years.

I had a suspicion people aren’t supposed to feel this way.

Then I turned myself around.

Oprah was talking all the time about gratitude and self-love. She was honest about her shortcomings about why she wanted to lose weight and the drastic measures she took to do so.

If Oprah can be honest in front of the world, I can be honest with myself.

• I was a b*tch because I was deeply sad.

• I was a b*tch because I felt like I couldn’t really express myself.

• I was a b*tch because I didn’t even know what my truth was that I needed to let out.

• I was a b*tch because I had no idea who I really was deep within.

My transformation started by taking a yoga class in Fall 2005.

The yoga practice itself did not keep me coming back week after week— it was hard and I was clumsy doing it.

The people in the yoga class kept me coming back. They were so chill, so kind, and the embodiment of contentment.

I had no idea people could actually live that way.

I wanted to be like them.

I didn’t want to be hostile and rude like some of the people in my graduate program (mainly, my professors).

I wanted to be kind. I wanted to wear a skirt with hairy legs and not feel like I was trash. I wanted to have a zit and not feel the urge to conceal it with heaps of makeup. I wanted to be raw and real.

I started going to more yoga classes so the cytoplasm of my cells can receive the positive impact of their love and acceptance of me.

It is true that you become your surroundings.

Over time, I began to receive people warmly, too.

Yoga practice prepared the path for me to step into studying myself.

But, a big gamechanger that allowed me to receive myself with love and warmth was embodied voice practice.

I had never felt my voice before.

I had never given myself permission to express myself truthfully with my voice ( I shouted a lot, but that was a mask over fear and insecurity).

I attended a Lessac Voice and Body Intensive in Summer 2006. This was 200 hours of voice, speech, movement, and self-study over a 4 week period in the middle of nowhere (well, Greencastle, Indiana felt that way to me).

I had nothing to do but face myself with the work I signed up to do.

• Over time I felt my throat open up. I had no idea I was clenching it like a fist for so many years.

• Over time I felt my jaw soften. I had no idea I had locked it into place to resist spewing my frustration.

• Over time I felt my body as soft, supple, and strong. I had no idea I could feel beautiful from inside my skin.

Losing this armor opened my heart.

My eyes relaxed in the sockets and I began to actually see people as beings of light who have something of value to offer the world. I grew curious about them.

My ears opened up with my jaw released and deep listening became an everyday practice.

My inner fire calmed to a gentle flicker like an oil lamp glowing within. I had no need to douse anyone with a blaze of anger.

In one year, I transformed myself from a shallow, sad, lonely shell of a woman into a warm human who felt grounded, calm, and genuinely kind.

Best yet, I felt kindness towards myself and changed a multitude of lifestyle habits to take better care of myself.

Embodied voice practice are so much more than ways into sharpening communication skills.

When you develop your communication skills, you develop yourself in a deep and true way.

I communicated the way I did for a reason— to assert myself, hide, or people please.

Then I made the choice to show up. Awareness without action is not awareness at all. It’s simply perpetuating a toxic pattern and saying, “Sure, let’s continue in this way.”

I choose better for myself so I can do better for myself and others.

It’s the best hard work I ever did.